My Journey with Anxiety and Depression
Before I discuss my experience with anxiety and depression, it’s important to preface that this is a continuous journey. When struggling with mental health issues, you don’t just wake up one day cured. It’s a constant battle where one realized healing is not linear. If you are struggling with mental health issues and need support, please reach out.
My journey...
For as long as I can remember I’ve always been type A, a planner, and a worrier. Through childhood and my teenage years I believe this anxiety motivated me to perform well in school and be a self starter. When I went to college, my anxiety became debilitating. I had my first panic attack in my closet after a test. I knew this was anxiety ridden because my heartbeat was elevated, I could not breathe and felt like the walls were caving in. I called my mom and she suggested I attend a meditation school every day for a month. I ended up finding a meditation school in Austin that I attended for 30+ days. The first few sessions I fell asleep and did not even get to the meditating part, perhaps my body was so worn down it needed sleep most. I do believe meditation changed my life because the practice taught me how to use my breath, be more present and ultimately demonstrated that I have control over my body.
After adding in meditation I felt more grounded but still experienced intense emotional highs and lows, I was on a constant roller coaster. I spoke to a therapist but never considered medicine as I prefer to heal with natural modalities first. The idea of meds always floated in the back of my mind as mental health issues do run in my family, but I was strongly against the idea of adding another prescription to my routine.
After graduation I moved to SF and things started to spiral. Not only was I suffering severe anxiety (I constantly worried about my safety, suffered from intense claustrophobia, and fixated on my appearance for hours a day) but I had no energy to get out of bed. I relied on my workouts to power me through the day and if I missed these, my day would be ruined from the lack of endorphins. I was still eating healthy, working out, working, and “functioning” on the outside, but was struggling so deeply inside. The only way I can accurately describe my feelings is to compare it to a gray cloud over me all the time, my thoughts were very dark. Even if I was celebrating or out with friends, I still felt immense depression and sadness. This made me realize something really was not right.
After speaking to friends and family members who are on antidepressants, I realized I needed to see a psychiatrist. After my initial meeting, my psychiatrist first prescribed me Prozac which did not agree with me at all. I experienced severe GI distress, and a shaky uneasy feeling. I then tried Lexapro and after 3 weeks I started to feel “lighter” and a bit happier. I was very adamant I wanted to stay on 5mg but eventually needed to bump up to 10mg because I didn’t feel anything after a month of taking the medicine and 10mg is an actual “therapeutic” dose.
For a few months things were going well and I started to feel like myself again, then the fatigue hit. I was very dizzy from the meds and started taking them at night to mitigate this. Every day at 3pm I would endure the most severe fatigue I’ve ever experienced. I felt like I was floating out of my body, and the exhaustion was so intense I could not read, write, concentrate or formulate complete thoughts. I tried to switch my herbal supplements, sleep more, drink tea, meditate, go for a walk, but nothing worked. I finally spoke to my psychiatrist who confirmed it may be the meds as fatigue is a side effect of Lexapro. It was this severe side effect combined with moving back to Chicago and being around my family and support system that made me realize I want to try to get off Lexapro.
*Important to note, all SSRIs and antidepressants have a variety of side effects, please research them if you feel off*
I am extremely sensitive to prescription side effects and getting off SSRIs is VERY tough. I started doing 10 mg two days in a row then 5 mg on the third day and repeated this pattern for three weeks. After this period of no side effects (aside from one day of intense GI issues) I dropped to alternative 5 mg and 10 mg every day for two weeks. Then I dropped down to 5 mg daily and am currently looking into ways to get off the meds completely. I attempted doing one day on 5 mg and one day no meds but the depression gray cloud came back immediately and I decided I want to stay on 5 mg right now for my mental health. I have heard from others that you can continue to taper and go to 2.5 mg between 5 mg if you are especially sensitive like myself. This process took a long time but I feel confident it was the right choice for me.
Some of you may not struggle with these issues, some of you may and some may even be on medicine. There is no right answer because ultimately you know your body best. All I can say is that medicine is extremely powerful when used properly, it saved me when I needed it most.
So where am I now? I am currently taking 5 mg of Lexapro (ideally getting off it completely in the near future) and starting the protocol from the book “Mood Cure” by Julia Ross. This book discusses the imbalance of neurotransmitters in our brain and how to rebalance them naturally with food, lifestyle changes, and amino acids supplementation. I suggest you order this book, read it and complete the quizzes to see if this is something that may work for you. Aside from mental health support, there is a variety of important information about nutrition, thyroid health, adrenal support and other tips on how to support neurotransmitters naturally.
*Important call out - you cannot take amino acids supplements unless you are on a very low prescription or off meds, please consult a doctor before attempting the protocol if you have any questions*
If you are struggling with medicine side effects or dealing with mental health issues, here is some food for thought.
To those on meds...
If applicable, what is your motivation for getting off meds? Side effects? A natural pregnancy? Determine the why before you start this process (maybe I’m the only crazy one trying to go off meds during this year ha).
Is your life significantly better on meds? Then maybe this is the right pill for you and you don’t need to change right now.
Did you jump ship and go straight to meds? If so, I offer up the idea of looking into supportive foods and lifestyle choices to aid in mood balancing.
Just because you are on medicine does not mean you can “give up” on helping yourself, you must continue to eat well, get quality sleep, drink water, move daily and connect with others.
To those with anxiety/depression...
Has this been a constant or is something triggering these feelings? Find someone you trust to talk to, a therapist is usually very helpful here. It’s NORMAL to have off days or weeks, and the current year has not been that helpful either.
Are you spending the majority of your day on social media in a comparison loop? Evaluate where you spend your time, scrolling your phone at night is NOT a bedtime routine.
Is your social media triggering? Unfollow those accounts now, you’re welcome!
Are you anxious? Anxiety thrives on uncertainty, set a routine you can stick with and start your day with a strong foundation.
Find a time to disconnect and center yourself during the day. I’m refraining from advising you to meditate because I sound like a broken record, but grounding yourself is incredibly profound in dealing with anxiety and depression.
These are just a few ideas I had and work on with clients. If you have other advice, please share so we can all learn and grow together. Thank you for reading my journey, I feel confident sharing this experience was the right decision. If you reached out, thank you so much, it means the world to me.
In good health,
Morgan
